10 Things I’ve Learned About Love

You can’t hurry it (OK so I stole that from Diana Ross but, hell, you try and think of 10 things and not fall back on a cliché or two).

There are two things in life you can’t buy – talent and love.  Sex, of course, you never stop paying for.

Never give advice to friends who have just fallen in or out of love – the giveaway sign is the refrain “Yes, but this is different.”   Just walk away, man.

Don’t give away every secret in the first euphoria of love.  One day you are both going to regret that she/he knows about that incident involving the one-eyed trapeze artist and the cucumber.

If the sex is great, try not to think about where he/she learnt how to be so good.  Unless that turns you on, of course.

Do not cook him/her a great meal.  It’s natural and common to do so but, trust me, if this relationship turns into kids one day, the memory of this meal is going to add real poignancy to the culinary catch phrase “Where’s the tin-opener?”

Plato wrote, “At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.” Maybe so, but it still doesn’t make you Keats.  Restrict extravagant expressions of love to the telephone.  Without documentary evidence, you can always deny it later.  

You know that best friend of his/hers, the one that is so happy for you both?  The one that is a bit of a sad clown but kinda cute?  Well, she/he hates you and one false step and you are going to get it.  Between the eyes and in the back.  Simultaneously. 

When she says, “I am not interested in marriage” and it is only the first date, start saving for the engagement ring.  When he says, “I am not interested in marriage” and it is only the first date, take him to the nearest jewellers.

Remember, there are two main kinds of love – love of one’s self and love of someone who also loves one’s self.  I often wonder if either are worth the cost or effort.

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