12 lessons from a failed marriage

hindenberg.jpg 

“One should always be in love; that is why one should never marry.”Oscar Wilde 

  1. Never confuse the terms wedding and marriage.  Think about the wedding as a pre-op injection – the creation of an artificial mood of bravado before you slip into oblivion.
  2. The words “I do” will never be repeated in your marriage.  They are replaced most often by “You will.”
  3.  The best man is called the best man because, being cleverer, wiser and smarter than you, he will wake up with nothing more than a hangover. 
  4. Not all people cry at weddings because they are happy.
  5. You know that list of suggestions for wedding presents you made together?  That is the first of a lifetime of lists and the only one that will not cost you money.
  6. Remember that feeling of panic you had the night before the wedding, the irrational sense of dread, the ridiculous feeling you were making a mistake? That was nature’s way of saying, “Run!”
  7. Men are not prepared for marriage – they have given less thought to what makes a good marriage than they have to what makes a good wedding.  Didn’t the warning bells go off when he said, ”Well, how hard can it be to organise the seating for the reception?”  What made you think that he would have the faintest idea about sustaining a lifelong relationship?
  8. Planning a wedding is the first time a man gets to realise that the words, “I want your opinion” actually mean “I want you to guess my opinion.”  This is good training for the rest of your married life.
  9. All marriages are based on compromise, a little bit of give and take – a lifetime of giving each other the shits and taking the piss.
  10. Never again in your life will you wake up wondering, “What I will do today?”  The list is on the fridge.
  11. Soon you will realise that women have lived their lives under the misguided belief that being born with a penis equates with a natural talent for other tools such as  spanners, drills and paintbrushes.
  12. The term “married life” is an oxymoron.

 

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12 Comments

Filed under humour, life, Love, Marriage, Men, Women

12 responses to “12 lessons from a failed marriage

  1. Its amazing what you can learn from your mistakes. And the mistakes of others.

  2. As I always say, I’ve been married to the same woman for 45 years, and I worship the ground that’s coming to her. 🙂

  3. Did you make this up? Or you find this somewhere? Very funny btw.

  4. I made it up, Zaid but, you know, this story is as old as history so I can’t vouchsafe its originality.
    Big John – you remind me of the man who placed his wife beneath a pedestal…
    Thanks for dropping in, Myotherhalf – I find it amazing what we don’t learn from our/other’s mistakes. And therein may lie the heart of humour.
    Thanks, Beauty -always nice to know you drop by.

  5. A female can have a fulfilling, caring, nurturing, lifelong relationship with a male, it just happens that the male in question has to be a golden retriever.

    jester

  6. Tim

    This literally made me laugh out loud, and forced me to forward to a co-worker. Thank you!!!! – Tim

    P.S. The Hindenburg picture starts things off very nicely, and “sets the mood.”

  7. Tim

    BTW…

    Item #10 brings to mind all sorts of advertising opportunities for Microsoft.

    Item #11 causes me to wonder about the incredible skill set that must befall a transsexual. Is there anything that someone gifted accordingly can’t do? – Tim

  8. Great, funny stuff! I think we can all relate to some if not all of these!

  9. Jester – Of course, we would have no chance at all if shoes acquired a gender and a wallet.
    Tim – A transexual. Wow! A man who is good with tools and curtains!
    TBM – Thanks. Each marriage is another country, isn’t it. But we all recognise each other’s snapshots.

  10. Tim

    Note the suspicious silence as I allow the “man who is good with tools” comment to go sailing by like a hanging curve ball.

    STRIKE!! – Tim

  11. Carmen Molina

    I have had 3 so far

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