Today, one of the local radio stations asked people to call in with their ideal dinner party guest list. I mean, it’s academic for me since I had kids. Once I would spend an entire afternoon buying and grinding 100 spices to make a chicken curry. Once I made my own spaghetti – took me hours and I could have bought it for 89 cents! Now if it ain’t in a tin, it won’t get in. So I don’t do dinner parties anymore – but it got me thinking. Who would I invite? This is who I came up with:
God and Stephen Hawking – so that when God had finished talking, Hawking could understand how he (Hawking) makes us feel most of the time – really dumb.–
Paris Hilton and Marilyn Monroe – so that Marilyn can convince Paris of the merits of dying young
Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot – Sautéed slowly with a zesty sauce made with chilli and Tabasco and served on an open platter.
Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and Carlos Santana – I like a little jam with dinner.
Kim Jong Il and a toilet brush – just so that North Korea’s president can see that – even if you are small, bristly, ugly and smelly – you can still be useful.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse -– I don’t know why, but Pestilence, War, Death and Famine just sound like fun guys and they never get invited to dinner.
Tony Blair, John Howard, Saddam Hussein and George Bush Jnr – hang on, I already invited the four horsemen!
Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Dr Kinsey – Just so Kinsey could record one of the world’s greatest dicks in action – long, slender, erect – and subject to immature ejaculations.
Oh, and John Lennon. I just miss him sometimes. But he’d probably ask me why I didn’t invite to dinner the 12 children who died of hunger-related illnesses in the minute it took you to read this. And I haven’t enough chairs for the 16 000 kids who starved to death today.
But, if I could, I would – just to say I’m sorry, you know?