Oscarandre’s Complaint

on-becoming-a-man.jpg“…when he (Onan) went into his brother’s wife, he spilled his seed upon the ground, lest children should be born in his brother’s name. And therefore the Lord slew him, because he did a detestable thing…” Genesis 38: 7-10

OK, so masturbation proved very dangerous for poor old Onan but, really, it can’t hurt you, can it?  I mean, short of using sandpaper or a potato peeler, a short visit to Mother Palm and her five daughters has got of be one of the safest lifestyle choices, right?  Leaving aside the possibility of getting slain by the omnipotent, it has got to be safer than hang gliding…or being an Iraqi…or marriage.

When I was 15 my mother surreptitiously sneaked a rather quaint book entitled ”On Becoming a Man” into my bookshelf.  It contained some interesting, slightly arcane advice including, “The unnatural production of ejaculation is called masturbation…it tends to rob the young person of his incentive for accomplishment.  He loses interest in worthwhile enterprises…he loses interest in the lofty things of life…masturbation can become a tyrant…(The young person) adopts an attitude of stupidity…his mental development lags.”  I was quite relieved to find the reason for my poor grades but reluctant to discuss it with my principal.

And anyway, I wondered if my mother really understood all this stuff.  Surely not.  If I had told her I was spanking the monkey she would probably have called the RSPCA.

So I entered adulthood completely undaunted by tales of hairy palms, blindness or imbecility.  After all, I was modern man, sipping at my Chardonnay and smirking at the masturbatory myths of my elders.

And then, the other day, I read this:

“Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS) is the habit some males have of masturbating in a face-down (prone) position. Some TMS practitioners rub their penises against the mattress, pillow, or other bedding, while others thrust into their hand. Some rub against the floor. Masturbating face-down puts excessive pressure on the penis, and especially on the base of the penis. These sensations are not easily replicated in conventional masturbation or in sexual intercourse. This can make TMS practitioners unable to have normal sexual relations… The most common problems TMS sufferers have are inorgasmia (also called anorgasmia; it’s the inability to have an orgasm during intercourse); or delayed orgasm.

Many TMS sufferers also have trouble getting erections. It’s a common experience among males who are used to masturbating face-down to engage in sexual intercourse for over half an hour, fail to have an orgasm, and then try to reach orgasm in an atypical (and usually unenjoyable) way, such as thrusting the penis against his partner’s legs, palm, or bed. Needless to say, the female partners of these men find their behaviour unusual and disturbing. These women often wonder if they are to blame for the man’s inability to reach orgasm through intercourse…” If your hand is free, click here

This is so typical, damn it!  I finally get an interesting hobby and it turns out to be just another bad habit!



Filed under humour, life, masturbation, sex

5 responses to “Oscarandre’s Complaint

  1. This must be how a missionary ‘bashes his bishop’. 😉

  2. EuroPosh

    wow, that’s an interesting article… almost made me feel sorry for you, guys.
    (but I’ll print it out and pass it around, for my own benefit..)

  3. Wow. I went and read the entire article; I had no idea that a position could make so much difference. Now considering how to pass this knowledge along to my son, who’s rapidly approaching the age of, umm, discovery. (He knows that my husband and I are ready and willing to answer any sexual questions and share our knowledge, but some info just really should not come from mom…)

  4. Is there a similar syndrome for women? Or is this a distinctly male condition?

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