Suddenly I am inundated by the virtual kisses of people who want to treat me to candle-lit dinners and empty moonlit beaches. Yeah, right. But I’ve been there, I’m afraid. And I know what we’ll talk about over those romantic dinners and evening strolls beside the water: fucking house renovations. And in the morning I’ll end up at the hardware store looking for tools I never heard of to do jobs that my teachers told me I could avoid if I got an education.
So, I’m taking my profile off the net again. There has to be another way to find love. Short of buying it, that is.
Not that I have ever bought love. OK, let’s not be coy here. For a start, you can’t buy love or talent or virtue or anything else actually worth having. But you can buy sex and I have never bought sex.
That is, I have never paid money for sex; we all pay for sex in some way. Sometimes you see it, sometimes you don’t. You just have to accept it like you do when you walk out of a used car yard – it doesn’t matter what deal you think you got, you know you just got screwed.
Anyway, back to sex and the purchase thereof. I do not have anything against paying for sex per se other than the fact that it is rarely sold by those with power, which suggests to me that buying sex is probably about exploitation. But that is another story and that is not the reason that I have never paid for sex.
Although perhaps I wish it was.
The fact is, while I am quite comfortable to suspect my sexual partner is lying, I just can’t relax knowing that they’re lying. Of course, the whole nature of human intercourse, sexual and social, is one of lying e.g. “I’ll always love you.” “Your hair looks nice.” “No, this dress is not new; I bought it on sale months ago.” The list is infinite.
But paying for sex is to knowingly buy into the lie without even the remotest hope of love, without the slimmest possibility of happiness. Just hands-free masturbation performed to someone else’s script. And a pretty clichéd script, it is (so I’m told).
I can’t perform like that, just can’t suspend my belief for that long.
And anyway, I’ve lived long enough to learn this; that the things you buy became stuff; but the things you’re given became treasures.
That is, of course, with the exception of sexually transmitted diseases.
Of course, I could just stay as I am; lonely but with complete control of the TV remote. Maybe it really is true what they say: that there’s someone in the world for everyone and, if you’re lucky, you miss them.